I am often asked the question, ‘Should I always be honest?’
We often refrain from honesty and truthfulness to avoid hurting or angering someone, but also if we perceive that we may be judged unfavourably.
Honesty and truthfulness are not the same thing. Being honest means that you do not tell lies. Being truthful means actively making known all of the full truth of a matter. When you are truthful, you are honestly expressing how you perceive or feel about something.
Before I give you my answer as to whether you should always be honest, I wanted to ask this same question of you, because I understand that the answer may be complex; there may be a number of reasons why in a particular situation you may want to reserve yourself from being completely honest or truthful.
So do you tell the truth? Do you tell the truth even when it will hurt someone’s feelings or when you do not agree with their point of view? Are you always honest – even when the truth means admitting that you have done something wrong? or that in being honest, there is a possibility of hurting another – or creating tension, conflict or discomfort? Let me know in the comments what you believe to be right.
Perhaps I can best share my answer by expressing this important fact and the first reason why you must always be honest and truthful. The ‘downfall’ – ‘the unravelling’ – ‘the ending’ – of any relationship will occur when one or both people cannot be 100% truthful and honest; that is – if one or both cannot be their authentic self. (Relationships will come to an end without the measure of trust that comes with knowing that the other person is consistently honest and truthful with you).
The first reason: You need to be fully authentic in order to have relationships that are meaningful and lasting because it is in being authentic that you are free to be your honest self – and you are then able to choose people whether in friendship or as a life partner – that are most alike and aligned with who you are. You also need to be authentic (truthful and honest) because it will nourish and build self worth, self esteem and a healthy sense of self (that is, you develop greater confidence because you know yourself very well).
Something that I teach all clients who are navigating their love relationship is the importance of being able to talk about anything with your partner; including how you feel and think about any topic. The more that you are able to be your authentic self, the greater the intimacy, emotional connection – and love you will have with another – whether in friendship or in a love relationship – because it is the sharing of your true self that allows you to reveal all of who you are – allowing another person to know you intimately. The better you know yourself, and the more positive you feel about who you are, the easier it will be to share of yourself – letting someone in to know you – fully. Further, as a function of living authentic you will want to associate with people who are also authentic (honest and truthful). You will experience the depth to which a relationship can exist when two people (whether as friends, colleagues, business partners, or lovers) are completely honest and truthful with one another.
As a caveat here, its also important to state that when a client is working with me in a session of therapy or life coaching, that they are wholly honest and truthful with me – because it is only when they are able to reveal the complete truth of their situation, their thoughts and feelings; and of their past behaviours – that they will be able to make the most significant changes – for themselves but also because of my ability to help them even more when I am given the full truth.
” As much as we want to have loving relationships and to feel loved, true emotional attachment and love occurs when two people are willing to be completely honest, truthful and open with one another. ” – dorothy ratusny
This goes to say that couples who are co-parenting and who are no longer ‘a couple’ – still need to be honest and truthful with one another. My client Chris* chose to leave his wife and their three small children because he had been unhappy for a long time. In honesty, Chris revealed to me that he never should have married Janet*. The couple fought incessantly beginning when they first dated, and over time the fights and the abusive language became infinitely destructive. Both Chris and Janet were going through the customary motions of planning a big wedding, buying their first home and then a bigger home as they had children, but without being honest and truthful about their growing unhappiness in the relationship – and with one another.
When I met Chris and Janet they were already living apart. What they both learned through the process of our work together was that they needed to be honest with themselves and each other if they were going to have an amicable relationship, and to be positive co-parents. Something that Chris still needed to do was tell Janet the truth; that he was not “in love with her” nor had been for a very long time and despite her hope that he would return to the marriage, Chris needed to be honest with Janet that the marriage was long over.
If you hold the truth back or answer another based on how you think they would like you to answer; or if you ‘sugarcoat’ the truth which also means that you are being deceptive – two things will happen. The first is this: Since you are not being completely honest, you are not able to reveal your true self with another; and this prevents you from having a depth of intimacy and connection based on your need to be yourself with the people in your life that you care most about. We need to be able to be who we are – to live authentic. This is what allows us to thrive and to feel happiest. The second thing that will happen in a relationship if you are not being authentic; if you have convinced yourself that you can change or augment a part of you in order to fit with what another believes in or wants of you, know that it will be only a matter of time before you feel unnerved, in inner conflict and turmoil. You can only flourish when you are living authentic and true and not attempting to ‘be something’ or ‘believe in something’ that is not right for you.
There is no limit to the degree of connection, intimacy, love and trust that two people may feel towards each other when both are able to be wholly honest and truthful.
Knowing this, you may want to ask yourself a question about your existing relationships. Are you able to be fully honest and authentic in all of your relationships? If your answer is “no” and you believe that you “are in a different place than the other person”, and that you “cannot be honest with them about certain things” for whatever reason, then ask yourself this… “Is this relationship important to me that I would be willing to be my true self at all times with this person?” You can also ask the same question of the most significant people in your life. Ask if they can always be truthful and forthcoming with you.
You need complete honesty for a relationship to flourish; and for it to overcome any hurts and misunderstandings of the past.
When you are not honest, whether you tell a white lie or fabricate an entire story – for whatever reason, know this – the truth will have a way of surfacing. Perhaps the single white lie that you told to “save someone’s feelings” or to “hide a behaviour that you are not proud about” is not found out, but if you speak other untruths, whether about yourself or others; or if you are dishonest in sharing your opinion and thoughts on a topic, there will always be something that finds its way to the surface – that causes the other person to question what you have said or done.
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When you are not being completely honest with another, you are not being honest with yourself. You may think that you can manage discerning between what is true, and what you have told another, but the truth is this; – every time that you speak an untruth or if you are dishonest – every cell in your body is ‘listening’. Every cell is affected by every thought that you have. This is why our beliefs become self fulfilling prophecies. If you mislead someone; if you are untruthful – even if it is somehow justified in your mind as to why you are not honest – you are moving yourself out of alignment with your authenticity – creating disharmony in your being. This is also why you may feel anxiety, fear, sadness, discouragement, and hopelessness.
When you live authentic and truthful there is nothing that can stand in your way. Being honest and authentic is wholly integral to knowing what you need to do in order to have the outcomes that you desire most. Even if you are having a ‘bad day’, or if you’ve suddenly lost your job, you will navigate any situation best when you take action by living authentic to what matters most to you.
You can choose a life partner that will be someone that you can grow old with when you choose based on the desires of your authentic self and of being honest and truthful about what you want. I continue to see many people who make excuses, who attempt to convince themselves that a particular person is right for them – even when there are problems in the relationship based on the inherent differences of both people. Speaking to Janet and Chris individually, both confessed that they knew of the qualities about the other that were ‘not ideal’, nor what they would have wanted in a partner – but continued in the relationship.
You can formulate the most incredible bond and connection with another person but only as you are wholly honest. Any relationship that begins with one or both people being untruthful or dishonest, can never flourish. When the lie or untruth has been discovered, you can no longer trust the other person in the way that you once did. (You deserve to enter into a relationship with someone knowing that who they show themselves to be is who they truly are).
The second reason why you must always speak the truth is because your word is what makes you honourable and trustworthy. It is what allows others to like and love you – and to hold respect for who you are. Even in the most difficult of situations, there are many ways to be honest and truthful with kindness, and a gentle delivery of your message that may be prefaced with the words, “I want to be completely honest with you and I realize that my honesty may hurt your feelings….” or “I’m going to answer you honestly, although I will understand if you may not agree”. The point is to let the other person know that even in your difference of opinion or belief system, that you honour and respect them enough that you are willing to be completely honest for the sake of nurturing your existing authentic relationship and for diving deeper to curate and have greater honesty – and the safety to be your true self. Those who are not able to receive your honesty and truthfulness – or who may reject you or the relationship because of it, have also just revealed the limitations of your existing relationship. If someone is being authentic with you, they will find a way to have a dialogue – even if it is to acknowledge the same; that you both have differing opinions.
Ultimately you word is all you have. You can show others who you are through kind action and moral character, but if you are not honest and truthful this will overshadow much of the other things that you do that is of honour. Ultimately it is difficult to like and trust people that have not been honest with you. It also takes a great deal of effort and rebuilding of trust to believe in what another says if they have been untruthful or dishonest. Your word: what you say (and also whether others can trust in what you say) will be most important in how others come to know who you are and to like you.
If you want to have better relationships with others and to feel a greater closeness and connection; if you want to like and love yourself and to feel positive about the choices that you are making for how you live life – begin by asking yourself if you are living authentic – if you are being true to who you are – and truthful and honest with others; and if you are doing so all of the time.
The truth will set you free. You may live free to be your authentic self, but you must choose it.
*The names of my clients have been changed as well as some details in order to maintain their confidentiality. Some elements of the client example that I have shared here may be based on more than one client story. Thank you to all of my clients who allow me to help both directly, and in the sharing of their personal stories for others to learn from.
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