ask dorothy: Help!! My son’s long hair is always in his face and he refuses to tie it back. How do I get him to be more responsible and safe?

This question is from my client Aaron.  He asks…

Last week my son Max got hit in the face with a basketball in gym class.  The teacher commented that it was because Max didn’t see the ball coming because his long hair was in his face.  Yesterday Max’s robotics teacher told him that he needed to tie his hair back because it was unsafe as the class was building combustion engines.  My son not only loves his long hair, but would rather not go to his Saturday morning robotics class – which is his favourite thing – than tie his hair back or wear a hat.  What can I do?  I am worried about his safety and his ability to see properly when his hair is always in his face!  It is also a hassle to get him to keep his hair untangled and neat!

Thank you Aaron for a question that I am quite sure other parents have pondered.

Aaron is a caring and loving father of three.  When we spoke about his dilemma he was quite adamant that the solution should be to cut Max’s hair short.  Aaron believed that this would solve all of the safety issues as well as his son’s lack of care about hygiene.  As I explained to Aaron, the best solution would be twofold:  First to help Max who is 7, understand the importance of being able to see and to be safe when crossing the street, playing in gym class, or at his weekly tennis lesson – and of course, when building combustion engines.  The other challenge would be to help Max groom his hair without a fight – and to have him take pride in looking after it because he wanted to.

When children are focused on an aspect of their self – whether a physical characteristic (like long hair), a skill or talent that they possess, or an intellectual ability – it is because they positively identify with this aspect as something that helps to build their sense of self and their confidence.  As children receive compliments about this special and unique part – this talent or unique character trait becomes for a child an important part of their persona and self esteem.  This is what they positively identify with.  In Max’s case – he received a lot of positive attention for his long and unruly curly hair.  It was for him much alike the super powers of a marvel comic book character; it became an important part of his identify that contributed to him feeling special and unique – confident, and ‘cool’.

The last thing that my client would want to do is demand that his son’s hair be cut.  Max might never forgive his father for what he may likely experience as a forced and traumatic disciplinary measure.  However, here are three (3) helpful strategies that can create a positive outcome and simultaneously nurture a child’s healthy development and growing self esteem.

• The first step for Aaron was to help Max comprehend what is meant by being responsible for his personal ‘safety’.  Even Max being hit in the face with a basketball did not warrant a desire to wear a hat or tie his hair back.  Why is this?  Kids largely do not prioritize the need for safety in the same way that adults do.  If a child is raised in an environment where they feel safe and protected, this helps them to have confidence to try new things and to generally feel safe when they are out in the world.  If Max loves his long hair and feels at his best when it is partially covering his eyes – then to continue to wear it this way will be important to him.  So for Aaron, the task became one of conveying to Max and having Max understand the need for him to be self responsible for his safety and to follow certain protocol and procedures when asked of him.  To understand what safety actually means to a child, I encouraged Aaron to first understand Max better by asking him the following questions:  Did Max see the ball coming before it hit him?  How could he have avoided being hurt?

• When you encourage your child to talk through and figure out their own solution to a dilemma rather than tell them what to do – your child will be more inclined to own and follow through on this decision.  You can also practice asking deeper questions such as: ‘What would it mean to you if you tied your hair back during gym class or at tennis practice? and ‘Would you feel differently about yourself with your hair covered by a hat or tied back?’  The idea here is to find out exactly how – in this case – Max feels about himself when his hair is not exactly as he prefers it – even though he knows that this is only temporary and for a practical purpose.  For Aaron to explore the deeper reasons for why it is so important to Max to have his hair down and covering most of his face, will help Aaron better understand his son’s loyalty to his hairstyle and it gives Aaron new information in which to work from when discussing alternative options.  You may be able to help your child challenge some of their limiting beliefs or false ideas that keep them stuck in a way of being that is not helpful.  One helpful result that came out of Aaron’s talk with Max, was that Max had a better understanding of why it was so important that he be able to see everything and to be safe when crossing the street.  Max was willing to adjust his hair in order to see better and to check for oncoming traffic before crossing the street.

• If your child is preoccupied with an aspect of their self that is highly integral to their feelings of self worth and self esteem, then its important to remind them of their many other positive traits and talents.  Max was an excellent soccer player and he loved science and math.  Focusing on other varied abilities and talents separate from what your child has been identifying with most (e.g. long hair) helps to reinforce their competency as diversity and to witness their whole self as important and valuable.

• It’s also important to set clear boundaries and rules and to make contractual agreements that remind your child of their responsibilities.  Think of how you can create teaching points that become life strategies for success.  The arrangement that Aaron made with Max was that “Yes”, Max could keep his hair long and styled as he wanted – and that to do so he must also brush it (e.g. daily); and wear it back while playing sport and in robotics class.  As a parent, you can enforce your rules a little easier by helping to make it as comfortable and natural as possible for your child to follow through.  For Aaron and Max this meant finding the coolest style headgear and hat, and allowing Max to try different hair brushes until he found one that ‘worked best’ for him.  Above all else, it’s important as a parent – to have patience.  Ultimately you will have to work with your child’s preferences because – as they seek to discover who they are and develop a confident sense of self – it means that sometimes what they value highly will not be the same as what you as a parent think is important.  You can create the rules together with your child but remember that you have the final say.  Be ready to reinforce rules that provide a balance – of necessary teachings; in this case that of safety and the practice of good hygiene.

In this example in particular, there is an opportunity to teach your child about negotiations, about honouring the rules that you as a parent have set, and about them doing what is best for their own safety – first – even though you have encouraged their free will to be unique and to make some of their own choices which will only continue as they grow.

*The name of my client (and his child) have been changed, together with some of the extraneous details of their situation in order to ensure their complete privacy.