What a Father Needs to Be

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There are a great many things a father needs to be.  There are many forms of fatherhood and many responsibilities as families are blended, as a couple may consist of two fathers and an adoptive child or child conceived in-vitro, and as a father may parent children without ever being a biological parent.

 

What is most important for any father to know is that your ability to parent is reflective in who you are first as a human being.

 

Fatherhood will teach you so much about yourself.  It will illuminate your strengths and your character and it will also highlight your insecurities and your weaknesses. 

 

Fatherhood will require of you to be self responsible,  to lead by example – to impress not by your words rather of what you consistently do and how you are with others.

 

In my work with couples, with fathers who are single parents, and fathers who are living with new partners and their children in blended families – there is always the single most important challenge of being your best self. 

 

You do this by walking a path of honor and integrity. 

 

 

See your children as the catalyst to help you become the best version of yourself – and without allowing yourself to become caught up in ego – of needing or demanding undue respect simply because you are in a position of authority. 

 

Your children will respect and love you because of your consistent kindness and fairness in how you treat them and because you are willing to share your knowledge and wisdom – with kindness and respect.

 

 

If you’ve been challenged (recently or historically) as a father ~ if you have conflict with any of your children, or if perhaps you don’t understand nor agree with your children’s decisions or actions, it may be useful to embrace the list I’m about to share. 

 

In it I explain the most important and necessary aspects of fatherhood and it may shine ample light on why you have been struggling ~ why it has not been as easy as it could be ~ and how to have a far more loving and respectful relationship with your child – regardless of their age – and yours. 

 

 

Fatherhood like any part of life – is a journey – an awakening unto itself. 

 

If you approach it as something that you actively seek to become better at, rather than a  ‘title’ that gives you a sense of ownership and authority – then you will always be open to what your children can teach you ~ and what will allow you to be an even greater inspiration for them.

 

 

What a Father Needs to Be…

 

1. Honest, Confident, Humble. 

~ Because your children will always ask you questions – some of which you are not prepared for ~ and some which you would rather not have to answer.  Still, you must always be honest.  If you cannot in all honesty remember something, or if you need more time to reflect on and process something before you can speak about it – say so. 

You can defer some answers if you genuinely need to consider how best to reply – but be honest.  You will lose much respect if your child sees that you are not honest with them or with others because as a parent, your child is always observing – listening – taking cues from how you are even when they don’t realize they are doing this. 

 

To have confidence is to reveal what it means to have good self-esteem and self-worth – and not ego.  When you practice being humble, it helps you check your ego. 

Fathers do not need an ego.  They need to be attentive, understanding, nonjudgmental and kind.  You will teach more to your children by being confident rather than attempting to show them how confident you are. 

 

Confidence is revealed in the way in which you carry yourself and what you stand for – and in how you are with yourself and others.  Confidence translates into belief and being certain about yourself and what you have to offer.  It is most often reflected in how you treat others and how you allow them to treat you. 

 

Confidence is something your children gain by observing it in you.  *They also gain confidence through positive feedback, encouragement, and your belief in them.

 

 

2. Admit when you are wrong.  Find the right answers when you don’t already know them.  Be self-sufficient and dependable. 

~ Others need to be able to rely on you – even when your partnership as a co-parent is equal. 

The perception is that a father has physical strength and that he is also psychologically and emotionally strong.  In some ways, think: super hero since you are on the outside invincible, strong, a protector, and all-wise. 

On the inside you may at times feel less strong and even unsure of yourself. 

 

You are allowed to ask for help of your co-parent – showing your children that it is acceptable and honourable to ask – and to also be thankful and appreciative of the help you are given. 

 

For whatever insecurities or self-doubt you feel on the inside, you may use these as opportunities to delve even deeper within, to understand yourself better and to fix what needs your attention.

 

To do the opposite will never help you become stronger – it will only cause you to doubt and fear more – and this is not what you want. 

 

A father must also admit when they do not have the answer, when they are wrong about something – and even if you do not believe that you are wrong, to know when it is more important that you acknowledge that your child, that others can have a better answer.

 

 

3. Walk the path that you can then preach. 

~ To preach something without living it is akin to standing for what you do not believe in. 

You wouldn’t want your child to go along with others for the sake of looking good or fitting in.  Know what you believe in and then live it. 

 

Please do not tell nor expect your children to practice the teachings you offer if you do not.  Let them see that you are working on yourself; making an effort to become different-better-more and allow your children the same opportunity to work on becoming their best self which will (as you know) include faltering at times, as they work to get it right.

 

 

4. Always be persistent. 

~ Find out why your child is sad, why they scored poorly on a test, why their eyes look bloodshot or they have a cut on their lip.  Ask questions. 

 

Persist in knowing your child – because your child is growing and changing at warp speed  and just when you think you have them figured out, they’ve changed again. 

You have an opportunity to know your child as they progress through various developmental stages ~ and throughout adulthood ~ as they become more knowledgeable and as their experiences can change their beliefs and how they see life. 

 

Be persistent in giving your full attention, in seeking to listen first – because this is how you will best know who your child is – and who they are becoming.

 

 

5. Practice non-judgment. 

~ You will not understand why your child makes some decisions as they do. 

What is important is that you ask questions to understand how your child thinks, to take time to listen with an open mind – to understand fully so that your child can feel understood by you. 

 

Let your questions inspire an opportunity for dialogue where you will undoubtedly learn something new rather than aim to tell your child how they should think or be. 

 

It’s really not different from when your child was only beginning to gurgle out bits of words for the first time and you were likely listening with eagerness and attention. 

Now as a teenager or young adult, it’s imperative not only to listen, but to ask and allow your child to answer ~ to tell you their story ~ to explain their thoughts and perspective – and their beliefs. 

 

Even when you know better, you must first listen in order to understand completely. 

Then you may need to process what you have just learned before sharing your point of view – if you choose to share it.  Sometimes what your children say will give you a different perspective – and one that may not be entirely wrong.

 

 

6. Always treat your children equally. 

~ They are different but your attention and love of them must be given fairly, otherwise you will cause much sadness and hurt that has a ripple effect among your children. 

 

You may at times want to defend your son against your daughter but you must refrain from ‘taking sides’. 

To do so only pits one child against the other. 

 

When you need to discipline a child – make it specific to their actions or words and never a criticism of their character. 

Teach through discipline rather than discipline as punishment.

 

 

7. Be overwhelmingly kind and compassionate. 

~ You will be challenged on many days – by your children, in your relationships and of life. 

Seek to be kind first and compassionate and you will teach your children some of the most remarkable lessons of their life. 

 

Show them by example how the world can be a kind and good place and you will set them up to be kind and compassionate beings who are helpful, courteous, respectful, and wise.

You can be compassionate and yet have boundaries and rules for how you approach situations and others.

 

 

8. Continue to work on your relationships with your children, with your partner, and with all others. 

~ Relationships with your children are built on the examples that you have set and the importance that you give to having and maintaining positive and loving relationships. 

 

If you do not make time for your relationship with your child – or make it a priority, you cannot expect your children to do so. 

 

Remember that your relationship with your daughter(s) sets the stage for how she views men, what she herself will look for in a partner (whether this is alike how you are or in contrast to it).

 

The relationship that you have with your son(s) mentors how men ought to be. 

What are the behaviours and ways of being you are teaching through your actions, and what you believe in? 

What kind of role model do you seek to be because without thinking of this, you will not look to make the changes that would help you. 

 

The way that you treat your partner will impact on the kind of relationship that your children look for – often unconsciously. 

 

Be the hero in your life.  Set the tone for your children to be incredible beings because of how they see you to be.  Let your children witness that you are kind and respectful to your partner at all times – and especially when you both disagree. 

 

Regardless of how the progression of time will change your relationship with your children – of how you will someday look to them for help or guidance – you will always be their father.  You will always have this responsibility – it is not to be taken lightly. 

 

From the moment that this becomes your role, you must be willing to revisit who you are and who you need to be – to be the best possible father that you can – and then to continue to strive for more.

 

If you would like my help to be the best version of yourself, please reach out to me.  There may never be a more important reason to work on and improve aspects of yourself.

~ namaste ~

 

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