Till Death Do Us Part | A Real Life Client Story

The WISDOM podcast  Season 2 Episode 49

 

 

      

Metaphorically, death in a relationship occurs when one (or both) members are mistreated; where there is a lack of respect, honor, and honesty; when there is deception and lies; and when actions cause hurt and suffering whether one intends to hurt the other or not and without change, without remorse.

For this, there is no saving of a relationship. The relationship is already over.

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My client (one member of the couple) reluctantly looked up the definition of emotional abuse. It was a second request that I had made, encouraging her to look past her fears of what she may find; and to be wholly honest and truthful with herself in order that she may have more information and answers to explain the ‘how’ of her depression and anxiety persisting; how maybe there was a correlation to the daily stress-filled interactions with her husband; where everything she thought to say would be weighted with the internal dialogue, “What will reaction be?” and “Will this make him angry?”

In researching, the formal definition of emotional abuse, I imagined that this client would be able to see that the pattern of mistreatment she lived, was not normal.

It was unhealthy for her sons to continue to witness the volatile outbursts of her husband and the many examples of his diminishing and disparaging comments, gas lighting; and the berating and threatening words that seem to squash and diminish what confidence she was desperately struggling to hold onto.

Emotional abuse is not okay; and to have a name for what she had been experiencing throughout this 13 yr-relationship may also bring light to how her bouts of anxiety and depression were layered in the misgivings of what it meant to render herself responsible for her extramarital affair.

In reflection, the marriage was never what it was supposed to be; that is wholly honest, truthful, unconditional in love, respectful, and a space in which she and he could be their authentic self.

There are always multiple perspectives to any story; one objective in couples therapy is to help both individuals speak the truth; to no longer hold onto what they each have told themselves is permissible or acceptable, for whatever their reasons may be and to examine their part in the relationship breakdown or in this case, final death.

In my work with couples therapy, the attention is also directed towards each individual member so that each may begin to examine themselves in a way that would allow for self-honesty and to be able to make the changes that are necessary to improve the relationship but also to improve upon one’s self and to live authentic and true.

My other client; the husband was lost in his anger; the anger that was exacerbated by feelings of betrayal and his world crumbling around him. The only reason he claimed to remain under the same roof indefinitely, was to secure a means of seeing his children.

When you have dishonesty, secrecy, lies, and deception; regardless of the reasons you tell yourself in order to make this okay, you actually build greater distance from your partner.

You also create fragmentation from your authentic self. Every dishonest action, every act of deception builds a fortress of walls, disconnection and lies that forges a wedge; that makes it nearly impossible for you to be transparent. This is also called ‘living a double life’.

This client kept secret his gambling addiction and a large debt he had accumulated whilst the couple was dating. He also kept hidden his binges on cocaine that he convinced himself were allowable and justified in dealing with his wife’s affair.

If you are not able to be truthful and honest in what is the most important relationship you will ever have with another person; if you are convinced that you need to hide parts of yourself, your actions, your choices and to live this double or secret life, then this marks the ending of what you thought you had.

Without the ability of both members to be honest and truthful; you cannot have the transparency and complete trust that allows for a love relationship to be sacred.

Consider this for a moment. Do you have complete and whole honesty in your love relationship? Can you be and express yourself without fear that you will be judged by your partner? Do you question whether you have the approval of your partner and do you constantly seek this, because their expectations of you may not be realistic nor aligned with your deepest values and morals? Sometimes we do not even know that our partner has expectations of us (which may or may not be reasonable) until they are unhappy or angry with us for not fulfilling these.

And in this true life client story; as we continued to unpack still more layers of the past; it became apparent that only one member of the couple was willing to come clean; to find their way beyond the deceptions, lies, and dishonesty; and their fear of speaking the truth. The other member at the time of writing this, continued to have an inconsolable need to be in control by seeking power through means of instilling fear; being abusive; in continued secrecy and deception; and the ever-present feelings of hatred and contempt.

Without both members willingness to reveal their whole truth and to stand in the light of what this would mean for what needed to then be healed, there would be no turning back.

There was no fixing this; there would only be the saving of each person’s self in being separate; in examining one’s own actions and the need to find wholeness in living authentic and true to one’s self first.

What you need in order to have a loving relationship that will continue to grow with each person’s own deliberate and continued desire to evolve and improve: is unconditional love and support; whole honesty and truthfulness in all moments, and the ability to be yourself as you are; with flaws, insecurities; with good habits or bad ones; all whilst both members become more.

By definition “more” is about self-awareness and positive change that allows for self-improvement and personal growth. This allows each person to experience wholeness; to heal from what has happened in their past, and to continue to become all of the person that they are capable of; and this includes consciousness (that is self-awareness, observation and self-honesty) and the ability to live awake and aware).

 

There are many happy endings for couples who decide to uncouple; who admit honestly that their relationship has been unhealthy at best. For this, there can be no judgment, rather the understanding that they must first learn to be with themselves; to have a mutually exclusive and loving relationship with who they are and as they seek to become their best self in so that they may attract the best possible partner.

This is what I often suggest with any client who is recently single; that is to examine their behaviours and choices whilst in their previous relationship, that were not aligned with their authentic self and what they have the potential to be; and to acknowledge what they have learned; and what their decisions and actions would be in future.

And it is true that sometimes, in our desire to feel loved, we jump too far, and too fast into a relationship without truly knowing the other person – or our self.

 

However, it is never too late to step away; to acknowledge when someone is not the right person to be in a relationship with; regardless of how much time has passed. This means that you are willing to be honest with what you need to feel happiness and love; and to hold out for the experiences of being cherished by the one person that you have chosen to live your life with. In coupling, it is too important a decision to not be completely and fully yourself, and wholly happy.

 

And whilst I have worked with thousands of couples who have rebuilt aspects of their relationship and renewed their love and choice to be together, there must also be the understanding that your love relationship is equally dependent on the relationship that you have with yourself.

Your relationship with yourself must be honest, forthright, respectful; and unconditionally loving because this becomes your template for how you function with another person at a level that requires intimate closeness, the sharing of your inner most thoughts and dreams, your mutual needs, and upstanding character.

And an end note that is meant to convey the truth; all relationships come to an end, whether by choice or because we complete our life cycle on this planet. What is important is how great you can make your love relationship because of your willingness to live wholly truthful, honest, happy, grateful, and to be of love in the world; and to always seek to live as your very best self.

 

If you want more for your relationship, for yourself; and if you are struggling to find this, please let me help. Please reach out to me. You can have an ultimate love story; but you must choose this and be willing to do the right work. Let me help.

 

This client made the decision to separate from her husband. There is no one to blame. There is only the need to reclaim wholeness and to live in honesty and truth first for one’s self.

 

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