‘ask dorothy’

The Snow Globe Effect: Transformation and Change | A Real Life Client Story

The WISDOM podcast  Season 3  Episode 9

In this episode I share the story of my clients Harold and Delia; and how heartfelt desire is necessary for the change that becomes our personal transformation.

        

 

If what has happened to you is unexpected, unwanted or as you are navigating change because you know it is important and needed for embracing your higher level goals; and for seeking to be all that you are. Life changes involve growing pains and anticipation of what will be different.

If you are listening because you have recently gone through a life change that was or was not decided by you; it can easily be overwhelming. It can cause you to question your life and what choices you have made and whether you need to rethink everything.

We sometimes throw in the towel; we never realize our goals fully because of what we tell ourselves and believe; and as the work of change begins and as we struggle uncomfortably with thoughts that overshadow all of the goals that we seek. It is daunting.

 

Life change that happens unexpectedly like an injury, an illness, a tragedy, an accident, an act of violence – leaves us grappling with the more serious question of ‘Why me?’ Did I do something to deserve this?

The snow globe effect is my way of explaining to the clients I work with of how some of our life experiences will indeed set us on a different course; one that may be raw with emotion, confusion, self-pity, and even the latent effects of remorse, sadness and depression.

Important to remember is to be right where you are; to look at whatever new experiences you have landed in for this is teaching you; for what you need to find, for what you need to change about what you’ve always done.

Change is being imposed upon us all of the time. Our lives become more abundant through the change sought through desire, growth, opportunity, new thoughts, and actions. Some change when we label it as: bad, unjust, wrong, only makes it more difficult to accept and navigate as a life experience that is causing us to break open; to think and feel and live beyond what we have – until now.

Therein is the snow globe effect that happens quite frequently; our world as we know it – shaken upside down for a time; not forever. Then as we watch in anticipation and wonder, we see the snow fall; filling all of the space inside the snow globe, delighting us in the magic of what we are witness to; creating a beautiful scene with nothing more than the simple action of movement; of changing the form of what already is -to reveal so much beauty.

 

If you keep your eye on the snow globe; if you watch every last flake drop; you might become mesmerized, softening to the presence of each moment; one falling snowflake and another that has the propensity of showing you something simply by your desire to take this in; to not look away; to be a part of the experience albeit contained inside of what you hold in your hands for even a few moments; and then as you rest the snow globe on a flat surface in stillness for all of the magic to unfold.

Life change operates in much the same way. We need to let the snow fall. We can examine it – take in the experience as it is happening without expectation or the need to control rather curiosity, wonder, and appreciation for as we observe, something else begins to happen. We lose sight of the need to make things still and as they once were, and to simply follow in the movement of life already before us.

If you take this approach; if you think of change and especially the change imposed upon you as a wonder through the eyes of curiosity, ease and generated as an experience from which you can feel mesmerized; then change is valuable. Change opens you to something new, something better, something that brings you closer still to the experience of what you are becoming.

You want to know how it turns out. You continue to watch; eyes wide open – attention here and in the present as each metaphorical snowflake falls, creating what is new and beautiful from what it has been before.

This is how you allow change in; how you see it as important, and as an opportunity – as the means by which you evolve and transform – trusting that your metamorphosis will also be beautiful and that change is ongoing. You will have the impulse to shake the snow globe again; to see more, to watch even more carefully as ever falling snowflake is seemingly doing the same and yet different. Change reminds us of the rebirth in our life, in each distinct moment under the sweet guise of ‘change as action’ – as movement – as eternity.

If you would like my help to instill positive change in your life or to think differently about a life change that has been given to you, please reach out and let me help.

Everything teaches us something.

 

Change is one of the reasons that clients pursue therapy and life coaching. Because there is something that they desperately want to be different.

 

You will change an unhealthy habit, a learned behaviour, a problematic core belief when you have decided with firm absolution; and when it is more uncomfortable, difficult, even painful for you to not make this change.

 

Harold was devastated when Delia decided to move out. Delia and their teenage daughter left a beautiful home that she decorated and loved because it was more damaging to her self-esteem and self-worth to stay. Harold threatened that Delia should move out in the midst of a loud and berating argument to which she took seriously his threat.

Even as she still loved Harold; as she still secretly hoped the two could somehow have a new relationship; a better one in which Harold treated her with the love, and kindness and respect that she deserved, there was a lot of anger and hurt to heal. Still Delia opened her heart to Harold and was willing to forgive the hurtful words and actions of the past; and to work at this new chapter in their love relationship. But, she needed to see that the change Harold was making was real and lasting.

It takes time and a whole lot of practice to lay down the new behaviours that will become the new way in which you live your life. Perhaps even more important is the earnest and deep desire for change that is driven by your heart. It cannot be only a logical decision; you must desire yourself to live the change you seek more than you rest in the familiarly and ease of what you have always done.

Harold professed his love of Delia to me, to her, to anyone that would listen – yet he continued to make demands and conditions upon her to show him that she still cared; that she still wanted a reconciliation, and that she would put him first as a priority in her life.

 

Change can seem fleeting when we have not yet examined our insecurities and how we rely or depend on others to show us love when we haven’t yet done enough to love our self.

My work with Harold was driven by the deep undertones of sadness and grief. Once having banished Delia now Harold was in shock and devastated that she took it upon herself to leave.

In all of his 58 years, Harold lived in constant need of love and approval. He cited a long history of girlfriends from a young age and rarely alone for any length of time to have a true relationship with himself; and to learn how to be what he needed in order to feel secure and confident on his own.

You do need to be single; to use this time to get to know who you are; to like and enjoy your own company and to be self-sufficient and content in holding a relationship first with yourself.

When you love another so desperately because you are afraid to be alone; if you fear a life being single and with yourself; if you fill your days with busyness and socializing because the thought of being alone is unbearable, what you are rehearsing is the pattern of insecurity and fear that says, ‘I can’t be with myself’ and ‘I’m not worthy enough to like my own company’ and ‘I’m not capable of loving myself’.

Because how can you avoid yourself if you truly care for and love yourself?

When fear motivates your need to be in a relationship you become desperate and the change that you seek is governed by ulterior motives.

For Harold, therapy was a means to an end to prove to Delia that he was changing to be a better person, and some of this was true, however the underlying current and the true motivation for his effort to have my help was to get his wife back; to no longer be alone.

These reasons would never be enough to ensure that Harold’s change was authentic and genuine.

Just like a snow globe that has been shaken, Harold’s world was also turned upside down. He was focused on the hurt that he felt rather than his part in creating the hurt that was perpetuated nearly daily by his condescending words and actions and in how he took Delia for granted.

It was some time and some challenging moments before Harold began to see that he had pushed Delia far away not just by suggested she move out; but in each and every action that was not loving nor kind rather selfish, self-serving, dishonest and dishonourable.

And yet here is a perfect example of how the power of love can supersede even the most hurtful and disrespectful words. Delia still loved Harold. She chose to focus on their earlier years together and how he was generous and loving and demonstrative of kindness.

This positive behaviour was mixed with the many instances of Harold’s insecurities and demands on Delia for attention when she continued to work full time and carry the majority of responsibility in raising their teen daughter, as well as being a huge support for her three grown adult children from a previous marriage.

Harold was retired and travelled with his golf buddies whenever he chose. He could not see nor did he truly care about the imbalance in responsibilities Delia had both in the home, in her work life, and in being a mother.

When you are insecure and co-dependent; and if you are not willing nor able to look at yourself with whole honesty, it becomes impossible to acknowledge the truth.

As the metaphorical snowflakes inside the snow globe came to settle, Harold began to see his life without a partner that he truly did love. His fear and insecurity offered an opening for me in our sessions to point out the truth; and to have him do the same, and to press him to see the damage that he had repeatedly caused for more than a decade of marriage; and how his plan to get Delia back; driven out of a selfish need to avoid being alone, slowly became the metamorphosis for what change followed.

 

Honesty with yourself is the first step of any change.

Without seeing your self with clarity and truth you never quite realize the consequences of your actions. As much as Delia had work to heal from her previous and abusive marriage, she began to use her voice with firmness and conviction as she spoke to Harold; and as she made it clear what she wanted. She also needed to remember that it was up to her to feel happy, to be confident and self-assured and to know that she was worthy and good enough.

We cannot look to others to be responsible for how we wish to be treated without first conveying this as direct communication. In speaking with both members of this couple separately, both revealed the change that they were looking for from the other first; rather than seeking to accomplish what change was necessary and waiting for them in and of themselves.

We all do this. We look to another to effect the change we want to see in a relationship and this becomes a huge distraction from what change we first need to make.

When you show up holding your ground, self-sufficient, empowered, autonomous; not needing another to save you, or make life an adventure or help you organize your kitchen, or build your confidence; then you are free to choose the best partner to share your life with. We think about a partner as someone to complete us before we finish the work of completing our self.

As Harold began to look at himself with honesty and a willingness to fix the patterns and behaviours that were damaging; to no longer see Delia as a possession that he needed to be happy and to begin the inward of journey of discovering for himself how to be comfortable and content with and in his own company.

In discovering for himself the changes and improvements that would indeed be the very same changes that would help build this new chapter in a relationship with the woman that he was still married to.

It doesn’t need to be a crisis moment to realize the damage that you have caused your partner by not being loving and respectful. The greatest gift we could give to our relationships with others is presence, respect, kindness, and the freedom to be who they are even when we will not agree with everything they chose.

Your partner relationship needs to be with someone that is most compatible with you. This comes out of first relying on yourself for your happiness, and for ensuing that your needs are met in the healthy and honourable practices that you can thrive upon on your own. Autonomy is something that we all need as it builds self-esteem, self-reliance and the proof that we are valuable and worthy.

Delia has given Harold another chance to prove to himself that he can make the changes that will lead them both into a different kind of love relationship and one that is built on equal ground and with the awareness to correct each time an old pattern rears itself.

That is the beauty of change. We are always going to be challenged to show up choosing to live as our best self; no longer allowing what we have always done to be good enough.

Choose to look first within for the change you need to make.

Please reach out to me if you would like my help.

Namaste!

Each Tuesday at 8pm EST, I take you on a journey – inside – what happens in a session of Life Coaching and Therapy in the ‘ask dorothy’ series as we answer the questions that honour your path and your life.

Find all Episodes of The WISDOM podcast here: 

Love in your inbox?  Subscribe to my weekly WISDOM Notes here:  

 

Sending you great  ?love…

 

Sharing the wisdom and beauty of divine love with you…

Namaste!

If you have a question or if you would like my guidance or help, please reach out to me:  dorothy@dorothyratusny.com

Find all Episodes of The WISDOM podcast here  

Love in your inbox?  Subscribe to my weekly WISDOM Notes here

Visit me on social media? :  Twitter   Instagram  Facebook

More Personal Transformation and Love right here:

*  The Kindness Challenge [Read The WISDOM BLOG post here]

*  Live Your Greatness [Podcast Episode Season 1]

*  This Is A Self-Love Movement  [YouTube Video]

* The Ultimate Self-Love WISDOM toolkit

* Self-Love: A Meditation to Heal Your Life  [The Wisdom Archives]

* Do You Let Love In? How to Feel Deserving of Love  [Podcast Episode]

* Work with Me [Life Coaching & Therapy]

A generous ‘thank you’ to Audio Engineer, P. Kirpikau  radioplato

Podcast Theme Music: ‘Aura’ from the Album, Illuvia by Eternell  www.eternell.net/album/illuvia