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Overcome the Fear of  ‘s i n g l e h o o d’ | A Real Life Client Story

The WISDOM podcast  Season 3  Episode 2

 

It is something that we all experience; singlehood. A time in which you are un-partnered, indivisible by one. To be single is to consist as a separate and unique whole.

And still, it may be the most avoided and feared experience together with public speaking and something that most of us would not like to admit – the fear of being alone and ‘un’ partnered as one enters the latter chapters of one’s life.

There is the obvious reason for why so many people yearn to be a part of a couple; we want to experience love and to to be loved; and to love another. It is a part of why we exist. The love that two people share in a partner relationship has the potential to grow, to evoke and transform each one of us as we enjoy a sacred bond with another.

But if you fear being alone then what you will attract; what you will draw to you; what you will settle for will never be enough because it is chosen out of fear and not love, confidence, desire based on autonomy.

My client, Bobby* knew that he needed some time to heal, to make changes in himself, before stepping into another relationship. Perhaps it was the indiscriminate pressure that he placed on himself knowing that his former girlfriend had already begun seeing someone.

What is it that motivates us to begin looking when we are not happy; looking for the next relationship and a new person to “make us happy.” When the truth is a lack of happiness can only be fixed from within one’s self. You decide what you need. Ultimately happiness is a choice. It is the freedom that you bring to everything you do. It is the appreciation and love that you hold for yourself, and the choices that you make independent of another person that reminds you that you are enough; you are more than enough.

Bobby admitted to himself and to me that he was afraid of being alone. An only child to parents who themselves had a tumultuous relationship; there were some well-driven fears that were relatable. His father’s unstable mental health was a discriminant factor in what became a lonely and bittersweet marriage that drifted apart early in Bobby’s life. His mother, never remarried and his father’s relationships with women were filled with drama and conflict.

One can understand the desire for not wanting to be alone; for as an only child one can feel alone in the world; and especially after a parent or both passes.

To fear being alone means that you don’t feel the significance of being with yourself. To feel alone is to ignore the relationship with yourself that you have the potential to experience; that is how you learn that you are already complete, already whole.

When a love relationship has ended, even if we knew full well that it wasn’t the right relationship; nor the right person – it still hurts. Rejection hurts, endings can be difficult, yet much less so if you rely on yourself for your happiness.

 

To overcome the fear of singlehood and even as you may already be single, find your footing as you discover who you are. Likely you will have lost some, perhaps much of your confidence in the weeks, months, even years of remaining in a relationship and with a person that is not the right fit for you.

 

First, remember who you are. Take some time with yourself alone enjoying activities that you once loved, that you currently love, that maybe you gave doing because your partner did not enjoy like doing them or sharing in the experience. Bobby stopped going to his vacation home even though he loved it there because his girlfriend didn’t like being away from her home. She found it an inconvenience even though she never had to pay for her travel or any expenses.

This was one of many signs that this person was not the ‘right’ one.

 

When we talk ourselves into staying; into continuing a relationship that is less than ideal, we begin to diminish and efface parts of our self. Instead, be with yourself and without the many distractions that fill space; that keep you from listening to your inner voice, and to what you really need to do.

Your rediscovery of yourself brings you to new ground; to remember all that you are that is more than enough for you to find someone special to love. Therein the starting place. You choose because you have the space in your life to love another person and yet you are complete and whole as you are.

There is no need or desperation to find someone; rather the exploration of desire rooted in certainty and confidence of all that you are.

 

After the ending of each relationship, we need to find our self; separate from the couple; from who we allowed our self to be and become and to redefine who we are; the most authentic version of who we are now.

You can avoid ‘singlehood’ because of the fear you hold in being alone; of not liking being with yourself and on your own; but in doing so, you give up on what it means to feel comfort and peace in your presence, in your company – in the exploration of being with self.

At every junction in your life the same principles are in place: knowing yourself well and honouring who that is – together with the ideals of continuing to follow your heart towards the bigger life goals and ideals that you hold; that have likely never changed – rather they have become refined, updated, bolder still as you continue to move towards them.

The idea is to never attempt to fit into someone’s life when it diminishes your own. Another person is always to add to the quality of your life; never to ask you to change for them or give up what is entirely your own.

 

Are you ready?

The bigger question I think about when I hear someone in their yearning for love and relationship is: Are you ready? Are you ready to stand tall in who you are and willing to boldly step towards your greater goals and to seek and accomplish these of your own accountability and free will? Are you ready to trust that the right person will definitely show up along your path as you are ready to receive them; and they – to receive you.

You can meet an incredible person and not be ready for the kind of love relationship that you most want because you are still the same person that gets bored easily; that is unfaithful; that has an anger problem and lashes out in destructive ways to hurt all those in their way; that has a drug or alcohol dependency, or a secret gambling addiction, or who loses him or herself all to quickly to wanting to be that perfect partner to someone in part because of the belief that somehow you are more valuable when you are part of a couple.

It’s time to look at what needs to align with your heart and what can you let go of that is ego driven?

If you tell me that you are ready to find and be in the greatest love relationship of you life, I will ask this. First, do you have this with yourself? For what society once named as ‘selfish’ is now the epitome of conscious and deliberate consideration of what ‘self’ needs. Self needs to be autonomous first; and to know what makes one’s self happy and to be the first and primary caregiver of this.

Because then, you can show up in a position of strength, self-knowledge, autonomy and self-love to choose the right partner; to do so based on your ideal mate list which is another important tool to hone and have for knowing how to select the right person for your life.

This is not as simple as choosing the next person that likes you; it’s about manifesting all that you want; and then some. And if you would like my help to do this right please reach out to me. You are going to find the love of your life. You are going to need some practice to do this. Everything is teaching you something of value about yourself. Be willing to learn the lessons that are presented right in front of you.

 

Rather than fear being alone, develop greater love with and for yourself and continue this even as you find the partner that you will – undoubtedly – choose to live in relationship with for the rest of your life; and to never question possibility as it first exists when you do this for and of yourself.

 

*The name of my client has been changed to maintain confidentiality. His story is real.

 

 

Sharing the wisdom and beauty of divine love with you…

Namaste!

If you have a question or if you would like my guidance or help, please reach out to me:  dorothy@dorothyratusny.com

 

Find all Episodes of The WISDOM podcast here  

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More Resources and Love:

* This Is What Therapy Can Do For You [Podcast Episode]

* The Ultimate Self-Love WISDOM toolkit

* Self-Love: A Meditation to Heal Your Life  [The Wisdom Archives]

* Work With Me [Therapy and Life Coaching]

 

A generous ‘thank you’ to Audio Engineer, P. Kirpikau  radioplato

Podcast Theme Music: ‘Aura’ from the Album, Illuvia by Eternellwww.eternell.net/album/illuvia